STRONG WOMEN VERSUS INSECURE MEN

He was a big man;-----muscular, relatively good-looking, seasoned, well-known in the community, well liked, out-going, friendly, successful in his career and financially secure. One might even say he was pleasantly imposing. Who would have thought that with all that he had going for him, he would ultimately show signs of being very insecure?

I was ten years his junior and initially impressed with what I saw as his confident demeanor and other- worldliness. After an initial conversation, which took place at a mutual acquaintance’s lawn party, I thought back on how easy it was to converse with him. He was utterly charming and seemed sincerely interested in what this very verbose young woman, (a description that many had used to describe me), had to say. However, as we soon moved on to have more lengthy conversations, mostly over early morning or late afternoon weekend coffee at a local cafe, and we settled into an easy relationship.

We began dating on a regular basis which usually involved dinner dates as we would come to discover that we both enjoyed good food, and restaurants with an upscale, cozy ambience. On occasion we went to the theater, something that I loved to do, and something that I suspected he did just to please me but could just as well have done without. When he agreed to accompany me to the tennis court to hit tennis balls, I thought he was the absolute best. I reciprocated by attending in- person sporting events, something he liked to do, and I also found myself sitting wide-eyed in front of the television set while we watched basketball, hockey, soccer, and football games, about which I had little to no real understanding and even. less of an interest.

Now seems to be a good time to say, without judgement, that I had achieved more in the way of a higher education than he, and was blessed with a higher position that came with both authority and accompanying monetary benefits in my chosen career. As with most jobs, particularly those in which one must exert authority over others, there comes a time when there is “push-back” between those in charge and those subordinates perceived to be adversely affected. It follows that I would, upon occasion, ask his advice when such touchy situations came up, especially if it involved a male subordinate. It was my habit to listen attentively to his advice and opinions, though, after a while it became apparent to him that I would ultimately follow my own instincts. It became equally apparent to me that our styles of dealing with such issues were distinctly different. Looking back, perhaps I just needed to vent. Regardless, once he realized I had taken a path that differed from his suggestion, his reactions were certainly quite strong. To say that I was totally taken aback when at one point he said to me, “Just because you have more education than I do, does not mean you are smarter than I am,” is an understatement. He went on to say, “Don’t ask my advice if you don’t respect it.” To which I replied, “It is not that I do not respect your advice, as your advice is just that, advice. At the end of the day, I must be true to my instincts and go with those instincts that have only failed me a few times in my life.” Were we having a male versus female clash or was it something deeper? At that point I was certainly not sure. I decided to pause on asking for his input on these matters and I assumed that this decision would put our relationship back onto a smooth path.

 This assumption turned out to be very wrong. Our first trip out of the country was to one of the Caribbean Islands. Although he chose the destination, I insisted upon splitting the cost as it was important to me to maintain my independence while still enjoying the companionship of a male friend.

While there one late afternoon, after enjoying the glorious sun, the hot sand, and the even more glorious blue-green waters, we donned our best Caribbean -chic attire for an early dinner in anticipation of not only the dinner but the festival-like entertainment that was to take place later that evening around the hotel’s larger-than-life pool. While seated at a table on an outside patio waiting to be served, I noticed that several other couples who had been seated after we had been seated were having their orders taken before we had been approached. We waited patiently and politely. After a while, I became a bit impatient and said casually to my male companion, “Why don’t you summon the waiter?” Perhaps I should not have been surprised by his heated retort. In a quietly angry tone he said, “Be cool, these people don’t rush the way we do in the States, they take their time, the pace is slower.” He went on to accuse me of thinking of him as being less than a man for not summoning the waiter and not living up to his “manly” duties. What!!!

The remainder of the evening was totally ruined despite all the colorful, feathered costumes, the up-beat Caribbean music, the dancing and the festivities that surrounded us. The dinner and drinks that we were eventually served lost the enjoyment that one would expect. I wasn’t sure exactly what he was feeling, but I was glad we were leaving the island the next day.

The flight home was a no-speaking zone as we sat side-by-side, as strangers. We silently retrieved our luggage upon landing, and rode in the town car to our respective homes. A phone call from him the next day ended a relationship which had run its course. It was a mutual agreement.

So, here’s to all the secure men out there, as I still hope there are a few, who don’t feel threatened or upstaged by intelligent women who have a right to exercise their own God-given brains. And here’s to the secure women who don’t feel the necessity to mask their self-esteem in order to prop up a man’s self-esteem or lack thereof. After all, we all have talents, multiple intelligences, and lots to offer one another and the world when given the chance.